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My Skin

Last night was parents' evening, you know, the event where you, your parents, and your teachers sit round a table pretending to be friends whilst discussing how much of a failure you are.

Just kidding. Not that I want to gloat/jinx/tempt fate/etc., but I'm doing pretty well academically, and with my target grades all being As I guess the only way is down...

Two teachers independently noted they thought I had a dry sense of humour, which predictably amused me. Most teachers mentioned that I was a bit quiet, which isn't exactly headline news. One said I was "coming out of my skin" more this year and that this is apparently a good thing. This made me think.

I am becoming more aware that I'm very different in different situations, and that my real self is much less expressive than I am in my head. I mean, I can have a perfect idea in my head about what I want to say to someone next time I see them, and it'll sound really clever and respectful. Then when I do see them, I'll say an awkward "hello", or just nod and grunt or something.

I sing in the shower. There, said it. Figurative piss will be available for collection shortly. Seriously though, when I'm on my own I make a lot more sense, and obviously inside my head I'm unmoderated. But even when I'm with friends that I know won't care what I say, I restrict myself. I need to fix that.

Online, I'm kind of halfway - there's nobody else watching me directly, but then there's still an instinct to lunge for the backspace key right after I've typed something I really mean, but just don't feel confident saying at the moment. And when I'm writing blog posts like this one, I try too hard. I try to sound more philosophical, more insightful than I really am. I try to work in silly in-jokes and phrases that aren't even interesting at all. For example, while writing this post I've been trying to find a way of saying "my 'skin' is a chrysalis" without sounding really contrived and far too emo for my own good. But it didn't work, so I'm pointing it out to draw attention to my failure. Then I'm pointing out how I'm doing that, then... I think you get the idea.

But then it doesn't matter if you don't, since it's my blog and not yours. I honestly don't know why I'm posting this in public rather than writing it to myself or something like any normal person. Maybe I like to think it makes me more accountable to myself, but I like to think a lot of things, and some of those aren't true.

Anyway, now that I've realised I'm making no sense, I'm going to acknowledge that in a paragraph starting with "anyway", and then end it with three dots. Wait, I just did...

⇐10 Dec 2006 - Feels like work / 04 Dec 2006 - Keeping Up⇒


Hah, very deep and confusing xD You think too much. Anyway, keep up the good work! I like your festive blog theme :) / Comment from Lee on 10 Dec 2006 at 21:19.

And maybe I do, I'll have to think about it...
:P / Comment from Robert Marshall / [Admin] on 11 Dec 2006 at 16:49.

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